Why, what difference did I make. . .

Right now in Minneapolis it is hazy and drizzly - which for me, makes the perfect night to grab a cup of coffee and take a walk. I don't know what it is about this weather - but I love it. That feeling of cold to the bone that a mist of rain gives you coupled with a warm cup of coffee. I just love it.

So I was walking - I decided to return the movies I had rented from RedBox this weekend. Uptown is really blossoming right now - there are all sorts of people on the streets. i love watching them - and try not to stare at the people I see.

On the way home from the RedBox, I found myself watching a man opening up all of Smoker's Outposts, digging for cigarettes that were only half smoked. I watched him pull one out - it had lipstick on it. He brought it to his lips and lit it from a pack of matches in his pocket.

I wanted to cry. I almost did cry. I've seen this before, it isn't new to me. I've hardened to the reality that people that are well off discard things that aren't fully used - and those not as fortunate dig through the refuse for things they can't afford. This isn’t why my eyes glossed over.

In that instant, for some reason – I realized that that man and I could be the same. All it would take is one car accident – loosing brain function – and I’d be walking the streets as this man does today. Searching through discarded “gold.” Unfortunately I am a smoker, I know the cravings – there is no doubt in my mind that I would be rummaging through the ash trays for a slight relief from it if I were in his shoes.

I gave the man half my pack of cigarettes – selfishly knowing I’d have a craving later. I didn’t help him. Not one bit. I did it because I couldn’t stand watching him open another smoker’s outpost and dig through the ashes. What does that make me? Tonight, I feel hopeless. Sitting in my warm room, in front of my $1,000 laptop, what do I really do?

I am trying with Elphos.org. I don’t know if I am doing any good – or if it is just another suburban kid’s pipe dream and naiveness. I’m trying.